I haven't blogged since my bitch-rant a few days ago so let me start by saying most of that has been resolved. Actually virtually all of it has, at least as far as my end of it goes. Things are much better.
Fatty isn't sick anymore, but his sleep schedule is all kinds of whacked out, hence why I'm posting this at 445am. I'm about to go to bed.
I'm starting to feel better about myself physically. Today I waxed my eyebrows and put bright red-purple highlights in my hair and I love it. Shallow? Yes. Makes me feel prettier? Yes. So screw it. I'm not doing the whole "learning to feel comfortable in my own skin" thing anymore. I know what I have to do to feel as pretty as some people (ok, my mom) say I am, so I'm gonna do it. I'm not having surgery, or starving myself, or other unhealthy behavior, nor am I wearing super tight low cut clothing to get attention, so I don't care what other people think.
Also, I seem to have developed a new bitchtastic attitude lately, a very "fuck the world" point of view. I'm enjoying it. For the first time in my life, I say exactly what I need to say, and if you have a problem with it, fuck off. I'm living for me and my son now, I'm done conforming to what society says I'm supposed to be. And you know what? It was a good day.
Today, I was happy.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
First of all, little man is no longer sick!
Also, I started using my tumblr account again, if anyone who follows me here would care to follow that also here's the link to my tumblr blog.
Right now I have nothing to report, other than I am desperately seeking employment. I've done 7 applications so far today and have been sending my resume out to anyone and everyone I can think of.
Also, I started using my tumblr account again, if anyone who follows me here would care to follow that also here's the link to my tumblr blog.
Right now I have nothing to report, other than I am desperately seeking employment. I've done 7 applications so far today and have been sending my resume out to anyone and everyone I can think of.
Monday, March 12, 2012
ADGHADJGLKFEB
I'm so irritated right now. Not only is little man still sick, which is very taxing if you've never dealt with a sick baby, but I can't get a hold of his father AND my welfare benefits just got canceled because I "failed to submit required paperwork" even though I did submit it and I even CALLED TO CONFIRM THEY GOT IT!
Ugh I'm just so angry right now, I hate everything (except my poor baby boy of course) but everyone else better back the HELL UP and not piss me off cuz I'm seriously not in the mood to deal with any more crap. I'm really not even in the mood to post right now, so I'll go into more details later, I just needed to express how INCREDIBLY pissed off I am right now.
Ugh I'm just so angry right now, I hate everything (except my poor baby boy of course) but everyone else better back the HELL UP and not piss me off cuz I'm seriously not in the mood to deal with any more crap. I'm really not even in the mood to post right now, so I'll go into more details later, I just needed to express how INCREDIBLY pissed off I am right now.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Upper Respiratory Infection
My poor little guy has an upper respiratory infection. He woke up at 5am Saturday with a fever of about 100. We spent the whole day cuddling and trying to break the fever with ibuprofen and baths. Nothing seemed to help. Finally, around 4am Sunday he got his appetite back and drank a bottle and a half, and 15 minutes was vomiting profusely. It was terrible. I freaked out and called my mother; we were off to the ER.
We got there around 5:45, and they gave him some Motrin cuz his fever was close to 102. We sat in the room on the bed for quite a while, poor little man was just crying and trying to get comfortable. The doctor finally came in and he was wonderful. He told me he had a 22 month old daughter, which always comforts me. I feel that doctors treating babies are more sympathetic towards worrisome parents when they have their own babies at home. Just by looking at him and listening to him breathing he was able to tell me it definitely was not RSV. It is just a mild viral upper respiratory infection. The fever is caused by the fact that babies have such virgin little immune systems that their bodies react harshly to any foreign infection. The vomiting was just a side effect, his body couldn't handle the milk while trying to fight the infection. He prescribed Tylenol and Motrin every 3 hours on rotation, and juice, water, and pedialyte to keep him hydrated.
We got home around 8am, and poor baby finally fell asleep. Mommy did too haha, I was exhausted. We woke up 8 hours later and started the medicine since the fever was back in full force. He's been a little grumpy ever since, but mostly he's back to normal aside from sleeping a lot. He's been eating better now that he feels more like himself, even had a small amount of formula (he insisted). He's gonna be just fine, but it's definitely gonna be a rough few days until he's better.
A friend of mine came over today to help me out for a while, which was nice. I joke that she's my son's girlfriend because he absolutely loves her. It was great to see him get down and play with her for a while, seeing him feeling better helped me relax a little and remember that this will soon be just another memory. It's stressful, and it breaks my heart to see him like this. I was absolutely terrified last night. But he's going to be fine, so I will be too. It's just a matter of time. Hey, maybe this will help me build my utter lack of patience for anything haha. Plus all my friends and family have been wonderful, everyone offering to come keep me company, watch him so I can shower and eat, or even just wanting to come see him and cuddle the poor sick baby. I'm trying to keep company to a minimum, but I need help now and then, and it's wonderful that people are so willing to help me out.
We got there around 5:45, and they gave him some Motrin cuz his fever was close to 102. We sat in the room on the bed for quite a while, poor little man was just crying and trying to get comfortable. The doctor finally came in and he was wonderful. He told me he had a 22 month old daughter, which always comforts me. I feel that doctors treating babies are more sympathetic towards worrisome parents when they have their own babies at home. Just by looking at him and listening to him breathing he was able to tell me it definitely was not RSV. It is just a mild viral upper respiratory infection. The fever is caused by the fact that babies have such virgin little immune systems that their bodies react harshly to any foreign infection. The vomiting was just a side effect, his body couldn't handle the milk while trying to fight the infection. He prescribed Tylenol and Motrin every 3 hours on rotation, and juice, water, and pedialyte to keep him hydrated.
We got home around 8am, and poor baby finally fell asleep. Mommy did too haha, I was exhausted. We woke up 8 hours later and started the medicine since the fever was back in full force. He's been a little grumpy ever since, but mostly he's back to normal aside from sleeping a lot. He's been eating better now that he feels more like himself, even had a small amount of formula (he insisted). He's gonna be just fine, but it's definitely gonna be a rough few days until he's better.
A friend of mine came over today to help me out for a while, which was nice. I joke that she's my son's girlfriend because he absolutely loves her. It was great to see him get down and play with her for a while, seeing him feeling better helped me relax a little and remember that this will soon be just another memory. It's stressful, and it breaks my heart to see him like this. I was absolutely terrified last night. But he's going to be fine, so I will be too. It's just a matter of time. Hey, maybe this will help me build my utter lack of patience for anything haha. Plus all my friends and family have been wonderful, everyone offering to come keep me company, watch him so I can shower and eat, or even just wanting to come see him and cuddle the poor sick baby. I'm trying to keep company to a minimum, but I need help now and then, and it's wonderful that people are so willing to help me out.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Elaboration
Several of my followers (I have more than the site says, don't let it fool you) read my last post and asked me how I could have such a terrible self image and blah blah blah all that feel good stuff people say when they care that never really helps. I appreciate the things you folks said to me, but perhaps it's time I elaborate on WHY I have no self esteem.
Mother, if you're reading this, do us both a favor and stop now. I mean it. Please. There are things no mother should have to know and I'm truly pulling out every nitty gritty detail of my personal life. So if you do read this, at least promise you'll never tell me you did. I don't want to talk about it. After this post, I plan to forget about all of it.
I suppose it all starts with my biological father. He and my mother divorced when I was a baby, got back together and remarried when I was 3, and divorced again when I was 8. He was never really a great dad. He liked to find jobs that took him far away or made him work long hours. Even when he was home he was never really around. I remember on the rare occasion he'd pick me up for the weekend, he was usually drunk. He spent most of the weekend that way too.
He eventually got remarried to a woman who hated me and very long and painful story short, he more or less disowned me when I was 16, choosing his new wife over his children, his sister, and his own mother. I'm sure he'd tell you different but you know what he can make his own damn blog if he wants to tell his side, I'm done caring what he has to say. He tried to come back into my life when I had my son but he just played the same stupid games he played before. My son will never meet him. My mother's husband is my father now, I have his last name. He is my son's grandfather. He's a great man.
But back to why I'm so screwed up.
I've basically never had a truly healthy relationship, dating wise. My first boyfriend was an amazing guy, but I got a little too obsessed and in love cuz I was 14 and it ended in us running away together in his father's car. Not so healthy...still love the guy to death though, he's one of my closest friends to this day. My next serious boyfriend was obsessed with me. I was 16, and a junior in high school. When I finally broke up with him he stalked me to the point I had to involve the high school security officer.
The guy I gave my virginity to cheated on me a week afterwards. I got engaged to the next guy I dated. He was just as messed up as I was, but in a completely different way. I ended that because I knew it just...would have been bad.
The next serious boyfriend after my engagement is one of the 2 I blame most of my problems on. By the time I met him I had some serious issues, and I was very vulnerable. He played mind games with me. He made me think he loved me, and got me to be his "other woman" for quite a while. He was controlling, I couldn't do anything without his permission. He made me think I had no friends, that people only liked me because of him. He also abused me sexually. I was never allowed to say no to anything he wanted. I have difficulty using the word "rape" because I always gave in in the end, there was no way I could fight him. He was violent, he was rough. The only thing he never did was hit me, outside of sex anyway. I couldn't get away from him either, we lived in the same building. The day I moved out of that building was the day I left him. A week later he moved into the same complex of apartment buildings I'd moved to, but I managed to stay away from him with help from a few friends I'd told about him.
After that came another complete douchebag, and in some ways he was worse than the guy i just told you about. This guy was sweet, so sweet. And things were good. Except he disappeared a lot. He liked to ask me to marry him and then dump me a week later. He'd always come crawling back saying he was going through some stuff, and he wanted to spend his life with me and have a family and we should get a house together. Told me he was going to propose to me officially at Christmas in front of his entire family, and he'd have a ring. Dumped me a month before Christmas, came back 2 weeks after. We played that game for about a year, and it took a toll on me.
In between that on again off again, I also dated a clingy guy who needed constant reassurance in literally EVERYTHING he did, and a schizophrenic whom I broke up with via Facebook after he called and said he couldn't hang out with me that day because the voices in his head were telling him to kill me.
Then I met my son's father. Our relationship was far from perfect, he was always quick to criticize me, slow to praise, and never apologized for anything. Better than a lot of the others, but still not good. Everything was always my fault. It's one of the things I told him we need to fix before we could consider talking about getting back together.
So you see, there are many more details I could share but I have a baby trying to bulldoze me off the computer. I have never had a really healthy relationship with a man. On top of major daddy issues, that gives a girl a complex.
Mother, if you're reading this, do us both a favor and stop now. I mean it. Please. There are things no mother should have to know and I'm truly pulling out every nitty gritty detail of my personal life. So if you do read this, at least promise you'll never tell me you did. I don't want to talk about it. After this post, I plan to forget about all of it.
I suppose it all starts with my biological father. He and my mother divorced when I was a baby, got back together and remarried when I was 3, and divorced again when I was 8. He was never really a great dad. He liked to find jobs that took him far away or made him work long hours. Even when he was home he was never really around. I remember on the rare occasion he'd pick me up for the weekend, he was usually drunk. He spent most of the weekend that way too.
He eventually got remarried to a woman who hated me and very long and painful story short, he more or less disowned me when I was 16, choosing his new wife over his children, his sister, and his own mother. I'm sure he'd tell you different but you know what he can make his own damn blog if he wants to tell his side, I'm done caring what he has to say. He tried to come back into my life when I had my son but he just played the same stupid games he played before. My son will never meet him. My mother's husband is my father now, I have his last name. He is my son's grandfather. He's a great man.
But back to why I'm so screwed up.
I've basically never had a truly healthy relationship, dating wise. My first boyfriend was an amazing guy, but I got a little too obsessed and in love cuz I was 14 and it ended in us running away together in his father's car. Not so healthy...still love the guy to death though, he's one of my closest friends to this day. My next serious boyfriend was obsessed with me. I was 16, and a junior in high school. When I finally broke up with him he stalked me to the point I had to involve the high school security officer.
The guy I gave my virginity to cheated on me a week afterwards. I got engaged to the next guy I dated. He was just as messed up as I was, but in a completely different way. I ended that because I knew it just...would have been bad.
The next serious boyfriend after my engagement is one of the 2 I blame most of my problems on. By the time I met him I had some serious issues, and I was very vulnerable. He played mind games with me. He made me think he loved me, and got me to be his "other woman" for quite a while. He was controlling, I couldn't do anything without his permission. He made me think I had no friends, that people only liked me because of him. He also abused me sexually. I was never allowed to say no to anything he wanted. I have difficulty using the word "rape" because I always gave in in the end, there was no way I could fight him. He was violent, he was rough. The only thing he never did was hit me, outside of sex anyway. I couldn't get away from him either, we lived in the same building. The day I moved out of that building was the day I left him. A week later he moved into the same complex of apartment buildings I'd moved to, but I managed to stay away from him with help from a few friends I'd told about him.
After that came another complete douchebag, and in some ways he was worse than the guy i just told you about. This guy was sweet, so sweet. And things were good. Except he disappeared a lot. He liked to ask me to marry him and then dump me a week later. He'd always come crawling back saying he was going through some stuff, and he wanted to spend his life with me and have a family and we should get a house together. Told me he was going to propose to me officially at Christmas in front of his entire family, and he'd have a ring. Dumped me a month before Christmas, came back 2 weeks after. We played that game for about a year, and it took a toll on me.
In between that on again off again, I also dated a clingy guy who needed constant reassurance in literally EVERYTHING he did, and a schizophrenic whom I broke up with via Facebook after he called and said he couldn't hang out with me that day because the voices in his head were telling him to kill me.
Then I met my son's father. Our relationship was far from perfect, he was always quick to criticize me, slow to praise, and never apologized for anything. Better than a lot of the others, but still not good. Everything was always my fault. It's one of the things I told him we need to fix before we could consider talking about getting back together.
So you see, there are many more details I could share but I have a baby trying to bulldoze me off the computer. I have never had a really healthy relationship with a man. On top of major daddy issues, that gives a girl a complex.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Revelations
Well, a friend of mine has given me further inspiration to continue this blog, so I will stick with random personal blogging until such time as I find a subject to dedicate this rambling to.
Well, my is 10 months old now, and he's such a little tank. 25lbs and 30 inches, he's bigger than most other babies his age. He's almost as big as my friend's 2 year old! He started crawling when he was about 5 months old, army style. When he reached 8 months he took off like a shot on all fours and a week later he was cruising! He's almost to walking now. You can tell he wants to walk on his own, but he's still a bit tentative to try.
We're going thru a rough patch right now. Boyfriend and I broke up, and he has moved across country for work/school. It's been rough on me and little man, but we will make it through. Boyfriend and I are working on our problems and hoping that some time apart and serious discussions will eventually led to little man and I joining him where he is living now. I still love him more than anything, and I want things to work. If it's not meant to be though, I can live with that. He is a wonderful father to our son and at the end of the day that's all that truly matters. I'll be moving out that way eventually anyway for my career, so either way my son will be close to his father, and we will do whatever it takes to remain on good terms for his sake. Regardless, we are not on a break, we are broken up, and he is free to do as he chooses without my judgement.
I'm currently going through a self improvement phase, much of which will be blogged here. So perhaps I should make a list of the things I hate about myself that I intend to improve upon.
1. I smoke, and I hate it. I have zero will power. But I am going to quit, for my son. It's selfish of me to continue smoking when it affects his health just as much as it does mine.
2. My diet sucks. I plan to improve on this simply by eating only things I would allow my son to eat. It will help him learn good habits even more if he sees me living the things I teach him.
3. I'm a caffeine addict. This bothers me almost as much as smoking simply because I hate that I am dependent on any one substance to get through my day. I plan to substitute with water to improve my general health and diet while weaning myself off the caffeine.
Now for parts of my personality.
1. I can be very codependent. I am taking a hiatus from dating, I plan on at least a year solo. This will give me the time to establish myself independently. For the first time in my life I live completely on my own (other than my son of course, but he doesn't really help much around the house or with income). I am going to make the most of it, living the life I want to live, spending time with my other friends who may have been neglected while I was in a relationship. I will receive child support, but I plan to make certain my income is sufficient to pay all the bills and meet all my needs, with the child support going into a special account for birthdays, Christmas, and trips to visit Daddy. This way not only do I prove to myself that I can do it, but by keeping it saved I have a cushion to fall back on should something happen and I am unable to provide something for my son.
2. I flirt ENTIRELY too much without even meaning to. I get nervous around guys, even guys I've known for years. I have this inexplicable need to impress any male I encounter. A therapist I once saw told me it was residual damage from the feeling of abandonment I have concerning my biological father. Whatever the cause, it's an issue I need to address and fix because I know it took a toll on my now failed relationship.
3. My self esteem. I hate myself (partially proven by the majority of this post). I am a good mother, a good friend, and a good person, yet I hate myself. By improving on the things listed above I hope to improve my self image also, but I'm going to start doing things for myself, like getting into shape and treating myself to things on occasion that make me feel good about myself. I hate my outside just as much as my inside, and the only way to fix that is do healthy things that make me feel like I look the way I think I should look. This means exercising, dressing in an appropriate and flattering manner (rather than hiding myself in sweats), and taking care of my appearance. I need to accept the fact that I need to wear makeup to feel pretty, and embrace that. So what if I have to put on eyeliner and lipstick to feel attractive, it improves my self image and makes me feel comfortable in public. That's nothing to be ashamed of.
I want to be able to love and embrace myself as I once did. I want my son to look at me and see a confidant and strong woman who loves him and is worthy of respect so he learns to respect women. This is my goal, and I will achieve it. The change starts now.
Well, my is 10 months old now, and he's such a little tank. 25lbs and 30 inches, he's bigger than most other babies his age. He's almost as big as my friend's 2 year old! He started crawling when he was about 5 months old, army style. When he reached 8 months he took off like a shot on all fours and a week later he was cruising! He's almost to walking now. You can tell he wants to walk on his own, but he's still a bit tentative to try.
We're going thru a rough patch right now. Boyfriend and I broke up, and he has moved across country for work/school. It's been rough on me and little man, but we will make it through. Boyfriend and I are working on our problems and hoping that some time apart and serious discussions will eventually led to little man and I joining him where he is living now. I still love him more than anything, and I want things to work. If it's not meant to be though, I can live with that. He is a wonderful father to our son and at the end of the day that's all that truly matters. I'll be moving out that way eventually anyway for my career, so either way my son will be close to his father, and we will do whatever it takes to remain on good terms for his sake. Regardless, we are not on a break, we are broken up, and he is free to do as he chooses without my judgement.
I'm currently going through a self improvement phase, much of which will be blogged here. So perhaps I should make a list of the things I hate about myself that I intend to improve upon.
1. I smoke, and I hate it. I have zero will power. But I am going to quit, for my son. It's selfish of me to continue smoking when it affects his health just as much as it does mine.
2. My diet sucks. I plan to improve on this simply by eating only things I would allow my son to eat. It will help him learn good habits even more if he sees me living the things I teach him.
3. I'm a caffeine addict. This bothers me almost as much as smoking simply because I hate that I am dependent on any one substance to get through my day. I plan to substitute with water to improve my general health and diet while weaning myself off the caffeine.
Now for parts of my personality.
1. I can be very codependent. I am taking a hiatus from dating, I plan on at least a year solo. This will give me the time to establish myself independently. For the first time in my life I live completely on my own (other than my son of course, but he doesn't really help much around the house or with income). I am going to make the most of it, living the life I want to live, spending time with my other friends who may have been neglected while I was in a relationship. I will receive child support, but I plan to make certain my income is sufficient to pay all the bills and meet all my needs, with the child support going into a special account for birthdays, Christmas, and trips to visit Daddy. This way not only do I prove to myself that I can do it, but by keeping it saved I have a cushion to fall back on should something happen and I am unable to provide something for my son.
2. I flirt ENTIRELY too much without even meaning to. I get nervous around guys, even guys I've known for years. I have this inexplicable need to impress any male I encounter. A therapist I once saw told me it was residual damage from the feeling of abandonment I have concerning my biological father. Whatever the cause, it's an issue I need to address and fix because I know it took a toll on my now failed relationship.
3. My self esteem. I hate myself (partially proven by the majority of this post). I am a good mother, a good friend, and a good person, yet I hate myself. By improving on the things listed above I hope to improve my self image also, but I'm going to start doing things for myself, like getting into shape and treating myself to things on occasion that make me feel good about myself. I hate my outside just as much as my inside, and the only way to fix that is do healthy things that make me feel like I look the way I think I should look. This means exercising, dressing in an appropriate and flattering manner (rather than hiding myself in sweats), and taking care of my appearance. I need to accept the fact that I need to wear makeup to feel pretty, and embrace that. So what if I have to put on eyeliner and lipstick to feel attractive, it improves my self image and makes me feel comfortable in public. That's nothing to be ashamed of.
I want to be able to love and embrace myself as I once did. I want my son to look at me and see a confidant and strong woman who loves him and is worthy of respect so he learns to respect women. This is my goal, and I will achieve it. The change starts now.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Accidental Hiatus
Well, there's nothing overly exciting to report. My son is now 10 months old and growing like a weed, the in laws frequently ask if I feed him Miracle Grow.
I spend most of my time with him now, I had a job but was forced to leave due to child care conflicts and I am not currently employed. Wish I could stay that way BUT bills must be paid. I recently accepted a job offer but as yet have not heard back as to when I'll be starting.
I've decided to tribute this blog to something, although I have not yet decided on a specific topic so bear with me, I'll probably be trying out several subject before settling on anything. I find it hard to believe that anyone is that interested in my day to day life, I'll find something interesting to write about rather than bore all you readers with the day to day life of me doing virtually nothing.
I will accept any subject matter recommended to me, so feel free to comment with your ideas! Until the next nap readers...
I spend most of my time with him now, I had a job but was forced to leave due to child care conflicts and I am not currently employed. Wish I could stay that way BUT bills must be paid. I recently accepted a job offer but as yet have not heard back as to when I'll be starting.
I've decided to tribute this blog to something, although I have not yet decided on a specific topic so bear with me, I'll probably be trying out several subject before settling on anything. I find it hard to believe that anyone is that interested in my day to day life, I'll find something interesting to write about rather than bore all you readers with the day to day life of me doing virtually nothing.
I will accept any subject matter recommended to me, so feel free to comment with your ideas! Until the next nap readers...
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