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Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Revelations

Well, a friend of mine has given me further inspiration to continue this blog, so I will stick with random personal blogging until such time as I find a subject to dedicate this rambling to.

Well, my is 10 months old now, and he's such a little tank. 25lbs and 30 inches, he's bigger than most other babies his age. He's almost as big as my friend's 2 year old! He started crawling when he was about 5 months old, army style. When he reached 8 months he took off like a shot on all fours and a week later he was cruising! He's almost to walking now. You can tell he wants to walk on his own, but he's still a bit tentative to try.

We're going thru a rough patch right now. Boyfriend and I broke up, and he has moved across country for work/school. It's been rough on me and little man, but we will make it through. Boyfriend and I are working on our problems and hoping that some time apart and serious discussions will eventually led to little man and I joining him where he is living now. I still love him more than anything, and I want things to work. If it's not meant to be though, I can live with that. He is a wonderful father to our son and at the end of the day that's all that truly matters. I'll be moving out that way eventually anyway for my career, so either way my son will be close to his father, and we will do whatever it takes to remain on good terms for his sake. Regardless, we are not on a break, we are broken up, and he is free to do as he chooses without my judgement.

I'm currently going through a self improvement phase, much of which will be blogged here. So perhaps I should make a list of the things I hate about myself that I intend to improve upon.

1. I smoke, and I hate it. I have zero will power. But I am going to quit, for my son. It's selfish of me to continue smoking when it affects his health just as much as it does mine.

2. My diet sucks. I plan to improve on this simply by eating only things I would allow my son to eat. It will help him learn good habits even more if he sees me living the things I teach him.

3. I'm a caffeine addict. This bothers me almost as much as smoking simply because I hate that I am dependent on any one substance to get through my day. I plan to substitute with water to improve my general health and diet while weaning myself off the caffeine.

Now for parts of my personality.

1. I can be very codependent. I am taking a hiatus from dating, I plan on at least a year solo. This will give me the time to establish myself independently. For the first time in my life I live completely on my own (other than my son of course, but he doesn't really help much around the house or with income). I am going to make the most of it, living the life I want to live, spending time with my other friends who may have been neglected while I was in a relationship. I will receive child support, but I plan to make certain my income is sufficient to pay all the bills and meet all my needs, with the child support going into a special account for birthdays, Christmas, and trips to visit Daddy. This way not only do I prove to myself that I can do it, but by keeping it saved I have a cushion to fall back on should something happen and I am unable to provide something for my son.

2. I flirt ENTIRELY too much without even meaning to. I get nervous around guys, even guys I've known for years. I have this inexplicable need to impress any male I encounter. A therapist I once saw told me it was residual damage from the feeling of abandonment I have concerning my biological father. Whatever the cause, it's an issue I need to address and fix because I know it took a toll on my now failed relationship.

3. My self esteem. I hate myself (partially proven by the majority of this post). I am a good mother, a good friend, and a good person, yet I hate myself. By improving on the things listed above I hope to improve my self image also, but I'm going to start doing things for myself, like getting into shape and treating myself to things on occasion that make me feel good about myself. I hate my outside just as much as my inside, and the only way to fix that is do healthy things that make me feel like I look the way I think I should look. This means exercising, dressing in an appropriate and flattering manner (rather than hiding myself in sweats), and taking care of my appearance. I need to accept the fact that I need to wear makeup to feel pretty, and embrace that. So what if I have to put on eyeliner and lipstick to feel attractive, it improves my self image and makes me feel comfortable in public. That's nothing to be ashamed of.

I want to be able to love and embrace myself as I once did. I want my son to look at me and see a confidant and strong woman who loves him and is worthy of respect so he learns to respect women. This is my goal, and I will achieve it. The change starts now.